I always feel ashamed of posting selfies
Maybe I judge others too harshly, as to their motivations.
Told that seeking attention was a sinful act. Something that lesser women do.
or some such nonsense, societal judgments, projection of our insecurities on others, things I was told from a pharisaic society. ( a filter I have)
I have a difficult time taking pride in myself, not just in my actions but in myself, as a human female.
I never understood what being female meant, confused and uncomfortable, hiding myself, and when I would want to shine, so uncomfortable in my skin, I would instantly regent the dress, hair, makeup.
The attention for appearance confused me, as I would reject it. Shame.
Feminism, rejects the feminine in a divine sense, chasing, I can do what you can do, Proving worth in a masculine world. Necessary, but not wholly true.
Fine, yes I’ve lived that life, many women have.
And I still feel the rejection, but from within me of me, rejecting needs, desires, softness, vulnerability.
This is me 41, Entertained by getting older.
The most amazing part is, the past few years is the first time I’ve been able to look at myself with kindness.
I no longer shrink away from the mirror or photos. I no longer have the voices that rip everything about me apart!
I can look at myself and see I’m, Beautiful in my own way, and just fine.
I smile when I look in the mirror and talk to myself as a friend.
The beast that lives in me destroyed a lot of the negative chatter.
What I look like is the least interesting thing about me. But it is who I am, and the body, face, and structure given to me by generations of love, fear, fighting, surviving, thriving and starving, passion and pain. All the way back to the supposed Adam and Eve, More Lilith in me,
By body and this experience on earth should be celebrated, as in fact, it is a miracle given to me by my parents.
Why do I feel shame in not being what I think Is expected of me? And not just finding the joy in the beauty that is me and all things created in nature.
I don’t feel feminine in fancy clothes shoes hair and make-up. Mine lives under my skin, in my body, in dance, movement, acceptance compassion, in my eyes, and in my touch. My very Breath can be divinely feminine, and make men crumble.
This body I was given, by whatever divine creates all of this. Is the only one I have, for a brief time! Why not enjoy and celebrate it, love it, and let it be loved.
The Mountains Inside 