How do we give from a place that is full place?
In our current society, everyone is so empty,
We are empty of self-esteem, self-confidence, and Self-love.
We spend our lives seeking outwardly what we need. We have built a society, culture, and economy based on this.
We seek from others who are just as empty as we are. We fight over love, acceptance, and understanding in a tug-of-war with society, social media, friends, and loved ones.
It’s sold to us from stores full of cheap things, meant to make us forget for a moment that we are empty, filling it up with a trinket or a drink.
Love, acceptance, grace, and understanding are more rare in this world than diamonds; more valuable than Bitcoin.
But there are worlds where these things are infinite.
There are different ways to access these worlds, your higher self, and live in light and love. Gratitude can help alleviate the constant growl of an empty soul and heart.
But finding the well that can fill your soul to the point you can give freely, without effort, where you can smile at your own jealousy, hug your own anger, and make space for your shame to live in acceptance.
If you can do these for yourself, holding them for others is so easy.
This may be the most difficult journey of your life. It is the journey to open the well within, the holy Grail that lives in all of us, holding our compassion and understanding of love for ourselves and those around us.
It’s almost impossible to go on this journey if you are in a state of survival. Physically, you will need to have access to food, water, shelter, and time. I wish so many more humans had access to these fundamental needs.
But step number one is to make sure you are okay so you know you can rely on yourself, and slowly build that confidence that you can survive in this world before trying to access others.
We are all so empty inside, and we fight this outside world for validation, compassion, understanding, and acceptance, begging for it from others who don’t have enough to give to themselves.
And we take that as a sign we are not deserving. You only deserve it when a starving man gives you their last piece of bread. Where starvation is only valid among those who are starving themselves. Or hunger can live here, its safe here.
This Holy Grail that lives within us is not empty.
Unfortunately, it is where we have stuffed all of our fear, shame, unlovability, hurt, and pain. We stuffed them into this Grail because society told us we should never feel those. It is bottomless, dark, and often hidden from our conscious, a great hiding place for darkness and pain.
We shove the pain from our friends who told us it was unacceptable, too much, that we are wrong, fat, ugly, smelly, and dumb. Confusion and hurt because our teachers told us to shut up, that it was not good enough, and our parents told us they did not have time. We only had one try, and if we did not succeed, we were a failure.
The special gaslighting of generational hurt: Somewhere long ago, it was okay to tell your child you were never wanted or to hurt them when they made a mistake. So it lingers from mother to daughter, father to son, through generations. The pain of walking in daylight, accepted.
We keep searching for a place to express all of these, for them to be accepted and loved, even though we can’t seem to do it ourselves. Someone else needs to love them.
We were never shown how to love ourselves at our worst. So, we expect others to do it for us.
Wouldn’t it be nice if it were going to be an easy crystal bath or a morning gratitude practice? It is not; this will be the most difficult journey of your life.
All of these can help soothe the warrior battling the dragons and demons in his/ her soul. You will never be entirely alone, but it will feel like it.
This is the journey to become a woman or a man for our modern person.
Finding what we seek from within.
There is a door at the bottom of the holy Grail; it leads to the world behind worlds, you are the key.
It is here that whatever version of god is. t The god that not only created all of this, but is, at the same time all of it. It’s the never-ending acceptance, love, and compassion. Because everything in existence is a manifestation of this. Even you, and hard to acknowledge, it is all the pain in the world; you can’t see the light without the dark.
Unfortunately, there are layers and layers of shame, anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, pain, hurt, and fear standing between you and this doorway.
Put down the sword and armor. This is not a fight or a banishment. This is you, all of you that were shoved in this holey Grail.
A 4-year-old boy, whose dad told him he was not good enough, and a 3-year-old girl who was left at the store. 10 years old, whose teacher said he was stupid. And a teen who was abused by a trusted family member. A little boy or girl that never knew what it felt like to be safe at home. A kid who was sent to a fat camp.. was bullied for being different, poor, or rich.
Humans can be both kind and cruel creatures, filling others’ holy Grail with both kind and cruel thoughts. And now it’s up to you to decide whether you want to keep them, believe them, or change the story.
These are not things to be banished or slain; they are your deepest fears, most profound shame.
The second step is to walk into the darkness, breathe there, and begin to listen.
Begin to feel, not fight, and let yourself break when needed. When your mind lies to you and says “you are too much,” only you decide if this is true.
Don’t blindly believe what someone else told you; make these decisions for yourself. You will never be too much for you, though it may feel like the pain will kill you.
Remember, you are strong; this pain is the pain of a younger you who needed someone like you. To be there for them, let that soften you and create space.
Make this space in the darkness of your Holy Grail known to you. When you go there willingly, sit in it, find calm, and listen. Because there will be times when you are forced to go there because of an outside experience.
A fight, a letdown, a hurt, a trigger, as they say, pulls you into the dark. But this dark is not scary; it’s familiar and has a warm seat. It will take time here before it becomes comfortable.
Let time slow, breathe deeply, and feel your body agitated and your nervous system on fire. You can hear whatever demon was awakened by this experience. You have no need to fight it. It’s just you, in the dark, grumbling, fighting the idea you are unlovable, teeth sharp, ready to destroy whatever makes you feel this demon.
Unfortunately, this is not a place for stoicism but a place of deep feeling; you can’t think this pain away; you have to feel it. Find time to move your body outside in nature; you need to feel the energy and let your body move it out.
Some demons you face once, others you face over and over. Listen to this demon, not what anyone else has to say. But listen to what you have to say, listen to what you are saying to you.
If it’s something someone else said to you, get rid of it; if you struggle with it, ask how to let it go. You may need to begin acting in accordance with who you genuinely want to be, and that is not easy.
So that this Deamon can tell you, “you need to make sure you eat better,”
Says the direction that uses drugs to stay thin. But it might just be saying you need to accept yourself and everyone as who they are.
Perhaps you need to ask for what you want and stand up for what you need. When your demons tell you that you are not worthy, you have to sometimes prove them wrong.
Do this, whatever it is, bit by bit, and you will become stronger than this demon. When you face it again, you can tell him, “No, I can take care of myself. I am confident and know what I deserve. I am not unlovable; I love myself in little ways.” And am worthy of love from myself and others.
It’s okay if someone can’t give me what I need because it’s not that I don’t deserve it; it’s because they don’t have it themselves. You can watch whatever demon you are fighting change and soften in the light and acceptance.
This will happen over and over, but you will get glimpses of the door of light in the dark. That is just within you. You slowly become the light within your own darkness. That is the key to opening a well of acceptance and understanding.
And the demons that once whispered mean things to you will now be your biggest advocates, and you can see the world for the light in it, not through the darkness within it.
The genital warrior within will no longer look to battle with himself but will honor him/herself and protect his demons, which were just parts of himself he needed to understand, feel, and forgive.
Allow the rest of the world to be as it is, as its not his/her responsibility to change it.
But to just allow the light within to shine and flow over, and possibly guide others to their own Holy Grail and become their own key, where they can feel the love and understanding that is within the world.
That does not mean some might need a slight kickstart, and there is no need to allow others to starve themselves. But back away if they look at you as the only source of acceptance and happiness. Back away from anger but from self-acceptance and compassion.
We should never condemn the dark. This world is here for us to experience both and to learn, change, and grow. We would have reason to be here if it was not this way.
I will say there is darkness in this world, in our collective conciseness, that can be unbearable and unforgivable. And I will never ask anyone to go these roads alone. Or that you must be 100% okay, light, and have forgiveness and compassion, as that’s impossible and not the point.
It’s getting to a place where you are at peace with yourself and can accept when the demons rage and the darkness overflows, allow it, but do no harm to others.
When the time is right, find the light within. It’s about knowing there will be both, and no one is perfect. But you can find love for yourself in the struggle. And know that even if you are not always the best in yourself, you can hold space and accept this. Do your best to choose to be a little lighter, a little kinder, and a little brighter to yourself and those around you.
Slowly, allow the light within you to shine, acceptance, within the darkness and open the door to the well of compassion that is hidden within. Your demons are a part of you, but they don’t need to control you.
The Mountains Inside 