The Ocean Within

The Ocean within

I have gone through a lot to open myself, to look at myself with honesty and compassion. Let my guard down. Take in as much information as I can; I read Carl Jung, Carolyn Elliott, Sam Harris, and all of the goodness he brings to the World. I meditate on feelings and emotions, but feelings “literally” has the word feel, like you have to feel them.

It has taken time, but I’m learning to feel deep; through my whole being, purposely letting my soul break open with love and compassion, To hold myself in fear and sadness. Love is more painful than you can imagine; it’s not a warm fuzzy feeling; it’s a soul screaming desire for joy, easily all-consuming. Truly letting my body feel love, Like holding my breath underwater, I can’t experience it for long, before it becomes too painful, but I’m getting better.

There are nice, not-so-deep levels that fill me with joy, smiles, and hugs—playing in the shallower end of emotions.
Easily a comfortable place to play, realizing it’s safe and fun after exploring deeper waters, where the pressure of the trueness of love can crush you.

I’ve spent time in meditation, playing with the levels of depth love can go, and training myself to feel. I’ve become comfortable in the deep dark abyss of pain and love. I hold myself there, fearlessly exploring the depths of myself. The ocean within.

Letting it be ok to truly feel, as the depth of love is as crushing as the depth of sorrow.
When you dive that deep, trust yourself here, and you learn to feel safe swimming in the ocean of emotion. Enjoying its beauty and getting to know all the creatures living there. The monsters in the deep are no longer monsters.

So many people live right next to this ocean, aware of it, living in fear of it, and the things that reside there. Being controlled by their fear of it or desire to control it, told over and over that is a bad dangerous place. So many beaten and bruised by the shore break.

I had to train myself to feel again. I had to let it be ok, to feel deeply, and it was a terrifying experience. Easier to keep the headspace of analyzing and thinking about how it all works as a way to control and not feel.

The Ego tells itself it understands and does not need to feel. The Ego can read books about the ocean, think through the concepts of atmospheric pressure, and say, No, I understand the sea; we don’t need to dive in. I can tell you all about it, but I don’t know what it feels like to experience it.

When you let yourself feel, the difference is that you know the experience, viscerally, feel the cold dark abyss of the ocean, feel the pressure of it crushing your bones. Learning not to fear the creatures there but becoming curious and friendly, comfortable, safe, and free to swim with them. Nothing is bad or good in the ocean, Sharks, angle fish; they just are; I don’t need to have an opinion of good or bad here. That’s for people that have never swum that deep; they can be scared of sharks from the shore as I swim with them within.
Swimming with my needs and desires, fear, pain, anger, and jealousy. All these things that have been condemned by society 2 thousand years ago, the same people that thought wales were demons. Stupid humans, Vilifying emotions.

I know the fear of possible damage when going too deep, and calm myself, holding myself as I take the time to rise to the surface. I relax, and let the currents help me swim. The Ego that reads the books does not know the joy of swimming in the ocean. The Ego assesses and judges that a shark is bad and dangerous from above. The Ego will never experience the joy and thrill of Swiming with Sharks the beauty and wonder of the power in them.

The Ego, I think, fearful maybe, tried swimming in the deep end, with no training, almost killing them, learning how terrifying that World can seem.
The Ego says, No, I am ok, never going there again.

Hard to explain the joy and beauty of diving to someone who was almost destroyed by it. Or only read books and seen pictures. That is enough, Keeping the World of emotions at a safe distance and never admitting to their fear of it, making excuses. That World makes you weak, Less of a “man”. It’s filled with bad things, like sharks and stingrays and jellyfish.
But these are the things of our dreams, songs, and stories, the forbidden desire to swim with sharks, to be tied up, to be desired, to take joy in rage. Some outdated idea saying it’s bad.
Bad to let yourself feel…

The deepest courage a person can know is to dive into this World.
After learning the full depths of your soul, you can come to the surface. Walk this World wielding vulnerability as the most powerful strength you have.
As you can walk this World being aware and unharmed by others’ pain, fears, and insecurities. As you swim with your own, with joy, compassion, and understanding, you can swim and dance with theirs.

Wait until this little mermaid becomes Pisidian in her world….. Terrifying!