Sucess

Tails I win; Heads you lose.

Success is a difficult concept: a double-edged sword, two sides on a spinning quarter, unsure what side will face up.
Heads I lose, tails you win.

Why do I fear success? A lifetime of wanting to be accepted, to fit in. Success is isolating; it breaded resentment and jealousy.

Fearful of giving something 100%, showing up short, true failure.
Fearful of succeeding and seeing that look of jealousy in their eyes.

Success makes people feel their insecurities.

I want to be accepted; liked.
I’d rather be dull in a group, laughing quietly in the corner at bad jokes.
Then shining bright outside; averted eyes, wishing I was not there.

I know the feeling of hollow success, proving something to those that don’t really care. I needed them to care, not the success. Success was an attempt to be accepted, not a desire for success.

How empty the feeling was. Bittersweet, the taste of success, the bitter in my heart, the sweet in” look at me now.” That fuck you success.

The look of resentment from someone you love, when you shine bright, their jealousy. That pain would make me want to spend a lifetime being dull, unseen.

Sometimes I’m afraid to show off something I’m genuinely proud of—the forked tongue of jealousy, finding a way to dim the light, discovering shame in my pride.

They say comparison is the thief of joy.
When you compare yourself to others,

We don’t talk about the joy; drained when others compare themselves to you.

How others view themselves around me is not my responsibility.

I will take joy in the success of others, in the small and large.

I will be courageous in taking pride in my accomplishments. Not to prove to others, but to prove to myself, without fear of failure, but with a curiosity of success.