Labels

Be small, don’t take up too much space, don’t be too much, keep it in. Be what they like and approve of. Be the cool girl; laugh it off as if it does not hurt. Don’t criticize, don’t stand up for your self-worth, don’t stand up for others. And for god’s sake don’t tell anyone how you really feel. If you do, it might show them their insecurities, where they could improve, what they are doing wrong. And they will hate you for that.

They will find someone that only reflects what they want to see. You can call it less, you can call it different, but it will not be you.

It is up to you to decide what matters more, you or them wanting you.

For the longest time, our lives depended on having a man/ boy/male; it was instinct to keep them happy and wanting you. So women were trained and praised for being meek and quiet.
Our lives depended on it.

So much buried in this, so much of my mental makeup was this.
Trained to seek approval.

I am 40, single, never married, and have no children—a string of boyfriends in my past, lessons, and reflections on self-worth.

I thank god or my mother for whatever iron in my soul. My adventure spirit was always stronger than the desire for a boyfriend, husband, white picket fence 2.5 kids. My life never went that direction, and I never had a craving for it, to the point of almost revolution at it.

The internal fight of who the world says I should be and the person I want to be.

But the training was in place. Be less, never be more than them; it makes them insecure.
So a lifetime of amazing feats was dismissed in my mind. I never took them on as part of who I was. They made me too much. As I lived in a world of trying to be less than I was, trying to impress those that would quickly put me down if I showed more. A delicate balancing act of approval.

“How dare you make me second guess what I am doing with my life? How dare you remind me that I could be more, but I’m not putting effort into it; I am too scared of failure.”

How much of myself put me here in this cycle, my internal belief that I was not worth more, kept me with people that would reinforce this belief. My fear and the opinion that I was not worth more were reinforced by expecting more from those who were not capable of it. My mind is creating the loop, not seeing the difference.
But still, inside, the adventurer. She was fearless, still is fearless. I dismissed her because she made weak men insecure.

I second-guessed her, the amazing woman in me; I did not believe in her; I made her doubt herself over and over. I told her she was wrong that she should settle down be consistent; she was scaring the people in her life. My mother’s voice in my head, not understanding this wild creature that is her daughter—feeling a criminal as myself, at war with my life.

The tug of war between what I should be and who I am.

Be less; you are scaring them. You make them look at their lives and question.
You don’t know it, but they are comparing themselves to you. So you make them reflect on who they are, and they don’t like it.

Be Cinderella, be Sleeping Beauty; they don’t make men question. Don’t be Peter Pan, don’t be Sinbad. Be all of them if you want; make their head spin.

The long journey, inside. Looking at the labels others had given me, The labels I had fought against most of my life, an invisible war against the past, others peoples projections of insecurities. Who was I trying to prove myself to, That I am not these things you say I am, For another day, another story.

But for now, I will spend some time celebrating the wild woman in me, the adventurer, the fearless creature. She surrounds herself with people who encourage her; their uniqueness is not threatened. But look on with smiles and encouragement at something brave enough to be different because they are not comparing themselves to her. Instead, they love themselves for their unique journey. And can love others on theirs.

And I will finally stop comparing her to others, letting go of the war inside, to fit in, to be approved of by others. Never felt like I was enough but constantly worried I was too much. Let go of the desire to be what others think, and trust the woman in me to find joy as herself.

I will own myself, my bigness, I will understand not everyone is meant to live this way, and your life is beautiful however it is, as long as happiness is in your heart. And your life is what you desire it to be. You are brave enough to be you and not compare yourself to others.

Who Am I? I will own these as labels I choose for myself. Fearlessly! Others can put labels on me; I will determine if I accept these.

I feared that someone would second guess a label; I gave myself as if they had the power to take them away. Others give me labels; they can take them away.

I own myself; I choose who I want to be and who I am; I put in the work. I give myself these labels as both a reward and a goal. I decide who I am.

Entrepreneur- business owner- land owner- developer- sommelier, investor, writer- poet- artist- yoga instructor- Snowboarder- mountain biker- extreme sport athlete- class 5 multi day river guide, beginner surfer- world explorer- artist- cook extortionate- pilot- survivor- daring- loving, kind compassionate- friend- daughter- sister, builder, creative- strong beautiful- sexy- lover- dancer- energy worker-emotional maturity and expression- Woman

All of these have stories; all of these are things I might have squeaked and passed off as nothing much of a thing I had done. It was no big deal, never taking pride in myself; it made others uncomfortable. I plan to breathe into these labels, these ideas of who I am, and I plan to make them grow. I want to add more; I want to be more.

I will say it takes a lot to be me. And I will have to be a lot to succeed!
I have to be too much to succeed! I might take that one on, and I am too much. But, as I know, I can never be too much for those that can not get enough of me.

Labels I want to add.

Successful-
I think, for now, I want to breathe into my labels; I want to give them life and encourage them within.
The amount of effort it takes to be a lot, I will walk into that, own it. And take pride in it. Not fear it, not shy away, and give each the time and effort it needs. While getting good sleep.